Sean Deacon

Yes.

No.

Maybe.

There is tons of advice on this that floats around our information heavy day and age. I heard someone mention the advice that Tom Leykis gives, to not buy anything for a woman. He says that we are just perpetuating a culture of women that think they should have everything handed to them on a silver platter.

A lot of guys listen. They can see the points that he makes, and feel that they shouldn’t pay for a woman on a date. It’s time to show women that they can’t just take you for a ride.

I disagree, and follow the general rule that if I invite a girl out, I expect to pay.

Maybe you don’t think you should pay for a woman on a date. Now, you can keep on not paying for dates, that’s fine.

Realize that you are going to lose girls that you otherwise wouldn’t have by doing this. I did it too. My head was full of thoughts like “don’t ever pay for women” when I started to learn how to be better with women. And I lost girls that I other wise wouldn’t have. It comes with the territory, so be aware of that. It may be unfortunate, but screaming at a wall won’t make the wall go away.

The thing to realize though, is that spending money during a date for a girl, whether it’s a $3 ice cream cone, or a $10 sandwich, isn’t that big a deal. Objectively, I mean. Even if you are making minimum wage, it still is only half hour to a couple hours of work. In the grand scheme of things, and purely from an objective point of view, there is no big deal with this.

There’s something else going on here with guys that think this. Something that makes spending money on a woman seem like a bad idea. Now, there are way too many men in the world who are sad, hurt, and frustrated because of women. There are way too many men that feel like they can’t get the happiness they want with women. I was this way for years. It didn’t feel good. I felt powerless to get the thing I needed most.

I haven’t listened to very many of the shows that promote this attitude towards women and dating. That is mainly because when I have listened to them, I thought they were total garbage. What they do is give men a way to take all the pain, sadness and frustration they feel, and replace it with anger. It works well for them, because anger is much easier to live with than pain and sadness.

There is another way though, and it is often a bit more difficult. It takes a lot of work, and sometimes requires that men revisit the pain that they have because of their relations and interactions with women so far in their life.

When a man chooses this other way, he takes the pain, sadness, and frustration that he has had, and replaces it with fun, excitement, and happiness as he moves forward. It is a bit harder, but in my experience, it is far better. This is the way that we teach at PickUp 101.

The first step is to learn how to make a woman happy. Check out the program, Everything You Know About Women Is Wrong. It is a great place to start to make the changes, and follow the path to a happier life.

Click here now to find out more.

How do you build an emotional connection and increase intimacy with a woman?Conventional wisdom would probably say, “open up and share stuff about yourself”. Maybe you would here something like, “show how much you care”. Maybe you could “show that you appreciate her”.

These are good ideas. Kind of. These things will not do anything directly to really create a connection between you and a woman though. Sure they are nice, but when I say “connection”, I mean that feeling that makes a woman feel really with you. This is the feeling that makes her think about you when you aren’t there, and makes her feel really special when you are.

How do you do this? The real answer is pretty simple. A strong connection and intimacy is created between you and a woman when you share emotional experiences together.

Not sharing emotional experiences pushes people away, sharing them brings them closer. As I look at the intimate moments of my life, this has been the guiding factor behind all of them.

I did a talk on this idea and specific ways to implement it at a recent talk at a workshop.

I will be elaborating on this idea in coming posts, so stay tuned.

Art of Attraction workshop, Saturday Night.Three girls are standing in the back area of the Bubble Lounge, time to approach!

My last post was about the importance of knowing what you want when starting a dating relationship. ‘Honour’ made an interesting comment on this post, “the hard part is how do you figure out what you want”. Well, I want to give you some guidance on how to figure this out.

Long life goals are good. They can give you vision and purpose. They don’t always help you figure out short term goals though. So, rather than ask yourself, “what do I want?”, ask yourself, “what do I want right now?” For example, a lot of men I talk to say that they eventually want to meet a really great woman and settle down with her. This is a great long term goal. This, however, does not necessarily lend itself to short term action. You may eventually want to find a great woman, but may feel that you want a lot more general dating experience. A short term, right-now goal that addresses this might be to casually date 3 women. Now, you know what you want right now.

By thinking in terms of what you want right now, this frees you from the worry about if this is really the right thing, or if you are making the right decision. You can change what you want right now all the time. You can decide tomorrow what you want, and do the same again the next day. If your long term goal is to settle down with a great woman, that doesn’t mean that has to be your short term goal as well. If you eventually want to date a lot of women, you may decide that right now you just want one girlfriend, to get the experience of being in a relationship.

There is no right or wrong answer.

You can take this further, and apply this idea to every woman you meet. If you meet a woman out at a bar, or out grocery shopping, or at a party, take a moment to ask yourself, “what do I want right now with this woman?” It doesn’t have to be the same thing for every woman. You may want something fun, casual, and physical with one woman, and a close, caring, intimate relationship with another.

Here is a way that I figure out what I want right now. I imagine it. I picture it. I imagine the type of relationship I want to have a with a woman. Then I picture another one. Then another one. Chances are, one of these will stick out to you. You will know which one. Now, here is a very important step to this. Forget about what other people think. It is really easy to get caught up in this pattern of “proving yourself” by dating a lot of chicks, or getting a lot of “notches on the belt”, or proving that you are a good “pickup artist”. This should be informed by one thing and one thing only. What you really want for yourself.

I hope this helps. I have to give credit to Lance of PickUp 101 for this idea. I first heard it verbalized by him, and it became a very useful tool for me.

Do you know what you want?

Do you know how you want a relationship to be? Do you know how often you would want to see the girl? What kind of dates you go on? How long before you have sex? Do you know how you want the girls you date to behave? What you want them to do for you?

Take a look inside yourself. It is very important to know these things.

More importantly than knowing these things, when you are dating a woman, put the importance of these criteria ahead of whether or not she likes you. This might seem a little counter intuitive. A man usually get into a rut with a girl he is dating by thinking “what can I do to make sure she likes me?” This kind of thinking is actually counter productive. I have talked to a lot of women who say they want a man that knows what he wants. You know why? It is confident.

When you proceed based on what you want, you have direction, and a plan. The next step is to follow that plan as closely as possible. If you are the kind of man that likes to get alone with a girl on a first date in a romantic place and make out with her, meet her at a bar in the Mission for a quick drink then go for a walk to Dolores Park (or the equivalent in your city). If you like to have sex on a first or second date, know in your head how and where this is going to happen.

Now, it doesn’t matter if everything goes according to plan. That is completely besides the point. The important thing is to actually know what you want, and you have a direction that you want to take things. A lot of men don’t really actually know what they want from a dating relationship, and they fumble around things, and make excuses like, “well, I want to spend some time getting to know her.” Meanwhile, deep down they want to be, well, doing something else. If you actually do want to just get to know her, that is fine. Just understand that that is what you want, and proceed confidently in that direction.

The only thing you can lose from this is a relationship that isn’t what you want anyway.

Last night I talked to a close friend of mine. She wanted some advice about a guy she was dating. They met about three weeks ago on match.com. He’s pushing for a committed, serious relationship. After three weeks.