Sean Deacon

This post isn’t about flirting with women.  Only read this if you want to be better with women though.

The question, “what’s your story?” is just about the most awful question you can ask when you meet someone. Please wipe this phrase from your memory.“What’s your story?” is really a non-question. It is a way of saying, “I have no idea what to say or ask you, so why don’t I put all the pressure on you to say something interesting?”

I haven’t been posting much lately, I know.

I am moving to San Francisco (from the East Bay), so I am in the midst of a great apartment hunt.  I have been looking all over the place, from the Mission to the Marina, to find the perfect player pad.

I think I found one I like.  It is on Nob Hill, blocks from Union Square, in the RIGHT direction (not in the Tenderloin).  It is a studio apartment, right in the middle of everything.  I dropped off my application last night, I am the first applicant, and I feel pretty good about this palace, err… place.

This will be my first place all to my own since, well, since I was born.  That means I can make it mine.  All mine.

A few months ago, PickUp 101 had a DVD series come out about Project San Francisco, the famous residence talked about in The Game.  It was about how to “playerize your pad”. 

I think it will be fun to document my own process of “playerizing my pad”.  Just maybe, you will get some cool ideas about what you can do to make your home a place that motivates you to succeed in all aspects of your life.

Look for updates.

UPDATE: I got the place, sign the lease in two days, and move in this weekend.  Here we go…

I was lying on my bed last Sunday afternoon with my girl, relaxing after a nice big breakfast and my second cup of coffee of the day.  She asked about some of the books on my bookshelf, in particular, one or two of the men’s movement books I have.  These are books like Iron John, Fire In The Belly, The Flying Boy, and King, Warrior, Magician, Lover.

I told her that I was doing research about what has come before, and then I realized… there is a new men’s movement on the way.  It has already started to some degree, but it is small.  Men are learning how to have quality interactions with women, and learning what it means to be a man in the face of a woman.  Men are dropping what we have taught matters, and learning what really works, and what people really respond to.  It is fascinating, and it is inspiring.

I also think it will work.

I think that this movement is going to reach men, and there will be a shift in our culture for the better.  Men will know that it is OK to really examine what it means to be a man (and NOT just making good money at a good job to buy a good house).  Men will start to get in touch with their backbones, with their hearts, and with their balls.

I used to be really bothered with the state of the world.  I used to think there were a lot of problems that needed to be fixed, from global warming and hunger to the prevalence of bad pop boy bands.  I eventually threw up my hands, because I felt I had no way to address these issues.

I think the world can be made a better place though.  From the bottom up.  This means changing the world, one person’s life at a time.  I can improve the world by reaching men, and teaching and inspiring them to become better, more attractive versions of themselves.  Ultimately, this leads to happier men AND women.

The prospect of a world filled with happy people is a very good one indeed.

My last post was about the importance of knowing what you want when starting a dating relationship. ‘Honour’ made an interesting comment on this post, “the hard part is how do you figure out what you want”. Well, I want to give you some guidance on how to figure this out.

Long life goals are good. They can give you vision and purpose. They don’t always help you figure out short term goals though. So, rather than ask yourself, “what do I want?”, ask yourself, “what do I want right now?” For example, a lot of men I talk to say that they eventually want to meet a really great woman and settle down with her. This is a great long term goal. This, however, does not necessarily lend itself to short term action. You may eventually want to find a great woman, but may feel that you want a lot more general dating experience. A short term, right-now goal that addresses this might be to casually date 3 women. Now, you know what you want right now.

By thinking in terms of what you want right now, this frees you from the worry about if this is really the right thing, or if you are making the right decision. You can change what you want right now all the time. You can decide tomorrow what you want, and do the same again the next day. If your long term goal is to settle down with a great woman, that doesn’t mean that has to be your short term goal as well. If you eventually want to date a lot of women, you may decide that right now you just want one girlfriend, to get the experience of being in a relationship.

There is no right or wrong answer.

You can take this further, and apply this idea to every woman you meet. If you meet a woman out at a bar, or out grocery shopping, or at a party, take a moment to ask yourself, “what do I want right now with this woman?” It doesn’t have to be the same thing for every woman. You may want something fun, casual, and physical with one woman, and a close, caring, intimate relationship with another.

Here is a way that I figure out what I want right now. I imagine it. I picture it. I imagine the type of relationship I want to have a with a woman. Then I picture another one. Then another one. Chances are, one of these will stick out to you. You will know which one. Now, here is a very important step to this. Forget about what other people think. It is really easy to get caught up in this pattern of “proving yourself” by dating a lot of chicks, or getting a lot of “notches on the belt”, or proving that you are a good “pickup artist”. This should be informed by one thing and one thing only. What you really want for yourself.

I hope this helps. I have to give credit to Lance of PickUp 101 for this idea. I first heard it verbalized by him, and it became a very useful tool for me.

Do you know what you want?

Do you know how you want a relationship to be? Do you know how often you would want to see the girl? What kind of dates you go on? How long before you have sex? Do you know how you want the girls you date to behave? What you want them to do for you?

Take a look inside yourself. It is very important to know these things.

More importantly than knowing these things, when you are dating a woman, put the importance of these criteria ahead of whether or not she likes you. This might seem a little counter intuitive. A man usually get into a rut with a girl he is dating by thinking “what can I do to make sure she likes me?” This kind of thinking is actually counter productive. I have talked to a lot of women who say they want a man that knows what he wants. You know why? It is confident.

When you proceed based on what you want, you have direction, and a plan. The next step is to follow that plan as closely as possible. If you are the kind of man that likes to get alone with a girl on a first date in a romantic place and make out with her, meet her at a bar in the Mission for a quick drink then go for a walk to Dolores Park (or the equivalent in your city). If you like to have sex on a first or second date, know in your head how and where this is going to happen.

Now, it doesn’t matter if everything goes according to plan. That is completely besides the point. The important thing is to actually know what you want, and you have a direction that you want to take things. A lot of men don’t really actually know what they want from a dating relationship, and they fumble around things, and make excuses like, “well, I want to spend some time getting to know her.” Meanwhile, deep down they want to be, well, doing something else. If you actually do want to just get to know her, that is fine. Just understand that that is what you want, and proceed confidently in that direction.

The only thing you can lose from this is a relationship that isn’t what you want anyway.

Guys either think they “got it” or they don’t.

It is the time of year for resolutions. A lot of guys who want to improve their lives (especially their LOVE lives) make resolutions around this time. A lot of men look back on their year and see that they want something to change. They are finally going to do the work to make the changes happen.

Now, New Year’s resolutions are notoriously hard to keep. I know it, you know it, and the 1,600 page copy of “War and Peace” that I read the first two pages of (after resolving to read that novel a few years ago) knows it.

I spent this New Year’s with my girl. We talked a bit about resolutions, and I told her I don’t really make any, because I can NEVER keep them. She said that the reason that people often don’t follow through on their resolutions is that they set the bar too high. She told me about a friend who always resolved to “run more”, but never did. Finally, this friend made the resolution that every day, she would put on her running shoes and step outside. This goal is easily achievable, I mean, all you have to do is step outside, right? What happened is that this friend ended up running more that year because the goal was easy to achieve, but more often than not it led to a nice jog.

Here it is, January 2nd, and I started thinking about this idea. I also have thought about one thing that I have noticed. The hardest part of any approach is taking that first step of walking towards a girl you want to hit on. Once you start walking, you don’t think about the nervousness as much, and your mind starts to think about what you are actually going to say.